The Matrix is the first thing to my mind. I watch as the Cornucopia breaks apart and slowly forms back together. Wait, what is that? A million little frogs are jumping out of it, which means one thing… the Game Makers are back in play. I hear the croaks of the males, and see the sliminess of their skin. These are more than frogs. You see, they are poison dart frogs, I can tell by how they’re colored. I see a rainbow flash before the camera and out of sight they are. These are genetically engineered and are fast as Flash, the super hero.
Where are the frogs going? I will tell you, the frogs will search the arena for tributes until four more die. You see by the touch the poisons gets on you and seeps in your skin and slowly and painfully burns you, poisons you, and with the help of your imagination… they will kill you.
I watch the first victim die like the soldiers from The Lost Ark. He went on his knees, screaming in pain as his skin turned red with bumps. Now tribute number two is up I hear the pitter patter of frogs get louder and louder. As the tribute turns around one goes in his mouth and starts to go in his stomach, but didn’t make it too far since the boy died from suffocation. Tributes three and four that die were together. They die holding each other’s hands, it seems like they were good friends. I think the Capitol has taken it too far this time. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for tomorrow since they didn’t show the tribute I am rooting for. Or I least it think not…
I think your writing style is more unique in that you tell the story to the reader, using words like you. The sensory details for nice, the frogs were well described, though the setting of the arena could have been better. Similes were also good and improved the story. Next time, zooming in on even the smallest details will help the reader see the story to a greater level.
I loved the way you compared this to the Matrix, The Lost Arc and Flash. I believe that you used great sensory details to describe the frogs and all your character was feeling. One thing I would change is that in the sentence “You see, they are poison dart frogs, I can tell by how they’re colored.” You should break it up into two sentences, after frog you could start the second sentence. You also did quite a bit of announcing and the last paragraph was sort of confusing. Other than those errors I thought it was a good piece.
I thought this was a pretty good piece. I liked how you used the “pitter patter” to describe the frogs. I’d try to stay away from using words like “You see” or “I’ll tell you” to start off a sentence. They kind of weaken your writing. Also, just make sure that you don’t have any comma splices in your writing. If you have two complete thoughts, make two different sentences or use a semi-colon. Otherwise, you did a nice job.