The bulls have been released from the pen. As I watch the hunger games I saw my friend Duncan Riley get killed. We were the best of friends in school and when his name was called I knew I wouldn’t see him again. I didn’t have the guts to say goodbye. But now I have lost all hope in District 9 and am rooting for Blake Cooper from District 8. I just saw him grab a two sided light saber and hope his actions don’t get too out of control.
I notice the game makers went with a tropical theme in the 80th Hunger Games this year. I am nervous to see what happens. Will there be mutations of animals or traps that lead to the center of the earth. I will have to wait to find out. As I watch more I can see Jewels Lucky run off not trying to get anything from the cornucopia. I am disappointed in that since she could at least make an effort.
It’s now night time and half of the tributes are in trees, a fourth is underground, and the others are dead. I am glad I don’t have to take part in this year’s Games for the fact I don’t know how to swim and wouldn’t enjoy a bit of it and wouldn’t survive a minute after the countdown. I can see ominous clouds approaching and hope Blake Cooper makes it through the night. The Games are like feeding frenzy, out of control and it’s never ending.
Your post seemed to be a little off topic at times. What I mean is that it seems like you are just grouping together a bunch of sentences that don’t seem to flow smoothly, like in the whole last paragraph. You seem to jump from one subject to the next. I also see that your tenses are different throughout the post, so just proofread next time. I liked how you are adjusting to the new assignments though, since you died:)
This was a really good story. I like how you were able to write it through your friends point of view. Although, there were few things that were not so good. Like in this sentence you used the incorrect verb tense; “As I watch the hunger games I saw my friend Duncan Riley get killed.” It should be “watched.”
Also in this sentence; “Will there be mutations of animals or traps that lead to the center of the earth.” there should be a question mark at the end.
Also in this sentence; “I am glad I don’t have to take part in this year’s Games for the fact I don’t know how to swim and wouldn’t enjoy a bit of it and wouldn’t survive a minute after the countdown.” It is a run on.
You could have did a bit more revision and there are a few other mistakes within this story. I think you could have put a bit more effort, since I remember the last one I read was much better. Maybe add a few more sensory details, and instead of just listing thoughts turn it into an engaging story. I’m sorry I’m being so harsh but I just want you to do a better job. Over all it was a good piece.
I thought the idea of watching a friend die was very creative, although I think you could have added more emotion. Also you could have added more sensory details to describe what you saw in the Hunger Games. Another thing is that I think you should have had a better focus on what you were trying to write about. With a few improvements your writing can become much, much better.